The Journey

“In the end she became the journey, and like all journeys she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going.”  r.m. drake

A journey to self health does not only mean eating well, exercising and getting enough sleep.  The journey to self health means you must take the list that you are using toward making your body healthier and stronger and apply that list to dig deep into your soul.  If you have been tolerating toxic habits that are hurting your body, you are most likely accepting and tolerating relationships that are toxic to your soul and hurting your journey.

If I am to be completely honest, my journey started forty five years ago when my father, for reasons of his own, decided he needed to leave his family and start a new life with a new wife and another family.  It was beyond hurt, it felt like someone had taken a knife and sliced me in half down the middle.  To my child self I felt acutely aware that he had made his choice, and his choice meant I was not part of his journey.  The path was not easy as there was much anger, mistrust and complete chaos between my parents.  I’m not sure if my parents thought about how this chaos was affecting their children, in hindsight they must have, but to my child self I felt alone and my parents didn’t realize that with each harsh word and every court date, I was building my wall, my wall of what my existence meant to this world.  I realize now as an adult that the words I was using to myself at that time  were;  I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t a person worthy of love, only negative things happen, there is no such thing as love and every time these words ended up in my head, the wall became thicker and thicker until the words could no longer reach me.

As thick as a wall I built, those words stuck with my being and I questioned everything I did, school was difficult because I never felt completely accepted, I was always someone who was looking from the outside in.  Teachers never understood me, yet they liked me because I was never a problem.  I just sat in the back doing my thing and I made it clear that I wanted to be left alone.   Forming healthy relationships with this foundation was difficult, but I managed to form some great friendships, friendships that have lasted a lifetime.   However, in my life I have accepted and tolerated friendships that I thought were friendships of mutual respect and admiration only to realize the friendships were very one sided.

Going back to the words I used as a child, not worthy of love, I have realized that these words have crept into some of the friendships I have formed, by allowing someone in my life who has not accepted me as my whole self, rather this person sees me as less than, and even though she calls me sister what she really means is elder, she is someone who knows more and is far more distinguished than I could ever be.  How do I know this, I know this from comments and actions I have fielded for years.  As mad as some of these actions have made me, I have to accept responsibility for allowing and tolerating this attitude.  I realized a long time ago that if I accepted this persons limitations of me, then I am accepting these limitations of myself and it was time for me to change that direction and love my whole self.  I knew it meant that I could no longer be around this person in the same way.  To explain this to someone who clearly is lost in her own limitations and development is difficult, so I chose not to, I just kept working with my being and knew that the journey would go in the direction that it was meant to.

The word tolerance is an interesting word:

tol·er·ance
ˈtäl(ə)rəns/
noun
the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.
“the tolerance of corruption”

The definition of tolerance sounds so civilized doesn’t it.  Within this definition alone, I realized that my tolerance level for acceptance of elitist and repressive behaviour in my life goes back to my childhood days when I tolerated the level of chaos within my household simply to survive my childhood.  I’ve had to accept the fact that I tolerated behaviour that was less than kind to my existence simply because I thought I was being a friend.

I have come to the realization that I must befriend myself first or else my journey will never take the twists and turns that makes journeys joyous and harmonious within the realm around us.

The opposite of the word tolerance:
  • patience
  • resilience
  • strength
  • toughness
  • endurance
  • guts
  • hardiness
  • opposition
  • stamina
  • steadfastness
  • steadiness
  • vigor
  • staying power

The opposite words of tolerance are worlds apart and doesn’t necessarily seem as civilized as toleration, however the soul does not need tolerance, the soul needs truth and the only way to truth is to be the opposite of tolerance and acceptance of anything other than truth is to accept an abrupt end to your journey, leaving you in a place of contempt for your being and your existence.  Where my journey lands, I don’t know, all I know is that I have to apply the same trick that I learned a long time ago when I took up running and I was trying to increase my endurance to become a better runner.  I simply stopped looking at the long road ahead of me and concentrated on taking one step at a time.

Johanne Fraser

A Dangerous Mind

“Narcissist Personality Disorder:  One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.”

Warning, if you ever find yourself around one who is narcissistic run, run as far away as you can.  There is no winning with a narcissistic person and if you don’t agree with everything the narcissist does or says, then I guarantee you, it won’t be long before the narcissist has convinced everyone around you that you are the one that should not be trusted.  The narcissist will not win in the end, but the road from the beginning to the end is a long one and the closer that road gets to the end, the narcissist will become desperate and the final stage is the most dangerous.

How do I know, I’ve had the opportunity to work with not one, but two narcissists and I’ve watched the spinning of their web as they entrap everyone in their sticky mess while I was the prey stuck dead in the center of their narcissistic abuse.  The abuse is not something you can report or quite put your finger on and it’s not anything you’ve done to deserve the treatment.   You just know it’s happening, the energy around you changes, people start to treat you with mistrust and then slowly you are indirectly told that you are not good enough, not good at your job, not important, one to be ignored all the while the narcissist is spinning their web and injecting their venom and like a spider’s bite, it can take a long time to discover the full effect of the narcissist’s bite.

There was a time I carried much anger at these individuals, but not any more.  In some ways I owe them gratitude as I’ve learned from within that I am a strong, smart and confident woman.  There isn’t a person on earth who hasn’t gained strength through challenges, and dealing with a narcissist offers you many challenges and hurdles to climb only to gain strength with each new height.

The negative effects of dealing with these people, I’ve left far behind as I have a clear view of who my friends are, the kind of person I want to be and the positive contributions I want to give to my  community, my family and my friends.  I can thank the narcissist for these attributes, because without experiencing the full effects of narcissism, I may not have realized my potential for joy and happiness had they not spun their webs.

Forgiveness is another important factor, because a narcissist always surrounds themselves with enablers, people who are not strong and most likely have low self esteems.  Forgiveness is important because holding a grudge, anger, hate or resentment is poison to the soul.  In both cases I’ve experienced the work of enablers and a lot of my anger was also generated toward them.  However, with much soul-searching, meditation and prayer, I was able to forgive and to forgive is to set your soul free.

The irony of the narcissistic mind, is that the danger that they pose will tear lives and environments apart.  Much like a tropical hurricane or a large-scale earthquake will ravish the land and the people who live there.  However, like any natural disaster,  the strength and resilience of the people will overcome and the same can be said in the destructive path of the narcissist, the people will prevail and in the end, the person who stands to be in the most danger of the narcissist is the narcissist themselves.

Johanne Fraser

 

RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW – RAMBLINGS OF A HOCKEY MOM

Quote-about-life

Waking up this morning, looking around my very messy, cluttered bedroom I thought “I can hardly wait until my life is less chaotic and I have all the time in the world for housework giving me a clean and organized home AND no clutter.”   Clutter tends to make me bitchy; I can ignore clutter for so long but then after a while I can no longer ignore it, I explode  and get rid of everything.   As I walked down the stairs toward the kitchen, I looked to my left and my bloody Christmas tree still hasn’t been taken down and some of the opened gifts are still sitting in their boxes under the tree!  How is it before Christmas all the decorations and the lit up tree looks magical and after Christmas decorations looks junky?  Mental check – get Christmas tree and decorations all put away this weekend and then I realized between both my boys, my husband and I, we have about six or seven hockey games and/or practices this weekend.  Chances of us getting everything packed and put away are slim to none.  I started to feel a little overwhelmed, frustrated and started wishing for a real life only to realize; this is  my real life  and it’s as real as it gets.    The boys are healthy and active in hockey and school.  My husband and I are exhausted but we are healthy and happy.  At times when we are really busy tensions can fly, but mostly we argue, laugh, cry and we do this all together.  I never make new year’s resolutions because I don’t believe in making resolutions and not keeping them,  but this morning I made a resolution.   A little late I know, but I decided that I’m going to stop wishing my life away and grab on to what I have now and embrace life to the fullest, even if it means –  cranky, mad, tired, too busy, loving, funny, happy and sad – no matter what life throws at me I’m determined to embrace it knowing that this is my life, right here right now.  There really isn’t a tomorrow there is a today, the moment is now, I’ll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.  Difficult for me to do because I tend to be a planner, a person who wants to know my direction on any given day but in 2014 I’m going with the flow and seeing where that takes  me.  We forget that every day is a gift, a gift to cherish, a gift of joy.  It’s now the end of the day, 10:30 pm to be exact, I started writing this post this afternoon on my lunch break , finished my afternoon of work, drove home ate dinner and back out the door to my son’s hockey game.  I’m off to bed to start again early in the morning for two hockey games, housework in the afternoon and then a friend’s for dinner and start all over again Sunday..Yeah I’m busy, tired and my house is a damn mess and I could stay home miss the games to clean the house, but the time is right here right now and I’m gonna take it!

HUMMINGBIRD

If you have ever had the chance to watch a hummingbird you would know that this is true:

“Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Hummingbirds open our eyes to the wonder of the world and inspire us to open our hearts to loved ones and friends. Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and to savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday. The hummingbird’s delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life’s sweetest creation.” 

http://amsdaily.net/2012/01/05/the-legend-of-the-hummingbirds/

AMAZING!

Sloan Churman was born with sensorineural hearing loss, she has had limited hearing and has worn hearing aids since the age of two.  Eventually hearing aids will not help people with sensorineural hearing loss because the hair cells are either dying, damaged or abnormal at birth.  Noise is heard when wearing hearing aids but at times it is hard to make out words or sentences and Sloan describes it best – “it’s like being under water”.    Sloan received an esteem implant from Envoy Medical.  What makes these implants so amazing is that the implant utilizes eardrum vibrations to create natural hearing – unlike hearing aids that just amplify everything.  These implants are specifically designed for people with sensorineural hearing loss – click on the link below and watch Sloan’s joy.  I’ll be following this technology as I believe I will be a candidate for this in the very near future.

video of woman hearing voice for first time